Friday, March 27, 2009

Miracle Toddler Diet! Guaranteed Results!!!

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days.

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet. Over the years you may have noticed that most two-year-olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!


Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.


Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.


Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.
After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor.
Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

Repeat Every Four Days!
However, Sorry-to-say, in order to lose the entire 75# in 2 weeks, you’ll need a support system and only BEING a “toddler” will guarantee these results!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I've been waiting for a good poem

I've been waiting for a good poem. I heard this on the Writer's Alamanac podcast this morning:

Poem on a Line by Anne Sexton, 'We are All Writing God's Poem'

by Barbara Crooker

Today, the sky's the soft blue of a work shirt washed
a thousand times. The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single step. On the interstate listening
to NPR, I heard a Hubble scientist
say, "The universe is not only stranger than we
think, it's stranger than we can think." I think
I've driven into spring, as the woods revive
with a loud shout, redbud trees, their gaudy
scarves flung over bark's bare limbs. Barely doing
sixty, I pass a tractor trailer called Glory Bound,
and aren't we just? Just yesterday,
I read Li Po: "There is no end of things
in the heart," but it seems like things
are always ending—vacation or childhood,
relationships, stores going out of business,
like the one that sold jeans that really fit—
And where do we fit in? How can we get up
in the morning, knowing what we do? But we do,
put one foot after the other, open the window,
make coffee, watch the steam curl up
and disappear. At night, the scent of phlox curls
in the open window, while the sky turns red violet,
lavender, thistle, a box of spilled crayons.
The moon spills its milk on the black tabletop
for the thousandth time.

"Poem on a Line by Anne Sexton, 'We are All Writing God's Poem'" by Barbara Crooker, from Line Dance. © Word Press, 2008. Reprinted

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Easter Faith

Easter is a time of newness and life! Jesus rose victorious over sin and the grave! The great rally cry of the church is “Christ is risen! He is risen indeed!” Notice the cry is Christ is risen, not was raised. The spell checker on my computer has never approved of or liked the sentence Christ is risen. When we speak of our risen Lord and Savior, we are speaking of something that doesn’t fit easily into the language and thought of our normal natural world. We are proclaiming a message that is bigger and grander than our systems and constructs. In Jesus Christ, the word became flesh, the outside came in, God moved into our neighborhood and the world was never the same again. Jesus was raised from the dead on that first Easter and he also is risen now and forever more. Our verbiage is inadequate when it comes to speaking about the one who is and was and who is to come all at the same time. I’m thinking that the message cannot be fully expressed or contained in words alone. God has never stopped being in the business of making words become flesh and blood reality. That Christ is risen is a message that is lived. The words, Christ is risen, become flesh and blood reality as we live in a community of faith in the world today, in the now. It is a message that language alone is incapable of fully expressing. It is a message that needs to be seen and experienced as well as heard.
Easter Sunday is a wonderful Sunday to invite someone to visit Westminster. The pancake breakfast, special music in worship, the egg hunt after worship all work together as a celebration of Jesus and who he is in our lives. People are more open to going to worship during holiday times and we can take advantage of that openness. I encourage everyone to invite someone to our Easter worship celebration. The number one reason someone visits a church is because someone they know and trust invites them. People find Jesus when they are found by others who cared enough to seek and search and invite. Someone once invited you to worship with them, now is a good time to pay that favor forward and invite someone to come to worship with you. I hope to see you and your friends in worship on Easter Sunday.