Friday, March 27, 2009

Miracle Toddler Diet! Guaranteed Results!!!

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days.

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet. Over the years you may have noticed that most two-year-olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!

DAY ONE:

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO:

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE:

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.
After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor.
Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY:
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

Repeat Every Four Days!
Enjoy!
However, Sorry-to-say, in order to lose the entire 75# in 2 weeks, you’ll need a support system and only BEING a “toddler” will guarantee these results!

6 comments:

becoming brina said...

LOL!!!

mahaylu said...

yep, sounds just like Silas' diet.

Donna Bloxton said...

Don't forget Ca$h and my "green smoothies" (2 delicious quarts a day), but after that (if you still have any room), ALL the UNCOOKED, FRESH fruits and veggies you want, PLUS nuts and seeds, and DON'T FORGET "raw" cacao (NAKED CHOCOLATE) as "icing on the cake!" Grant and I have been married 43 years, and I've lost 43 lbs., have LOTS more energy, my immune system has skyrocketed, and Ca$h continues to steadily grow out of Schizophrenia with no more meds, plus he quit using tobacco products Feb 8, not to mention going from a 40 waist to a 34 waist. We are NOT STARVING and, when we get hungry, we eat WHATEVER we want and AS MUCH as we want within Genesis 1:29 and Daniel 1 boundaries! PTL! WE ARE PUMPED! God is SO Good!

Goldenrod said...

Thank you, Steve, for visiting my site and taking the time to leave a comment. I am repaying your kind visit by blatantly stealing this post! :)

Where did you grow up? Somewhere in the UP, I guess. I grew up in Munising.

Anyway, I hope you will visit me again from time to time. Btw, I have added your profile page to the list of people I'd like to learn more about and will come back to it later when I have more time.

Steve said...

Goldenrod - I can't seem to find away to email or comment of your site - if you see this email me - steve@revnorman.com

Goldenrod said...

Hi, Steve!

I just sent you an e-mail with my return e-address. I thought you had commented on MY post, but - as it turns out - you were adding a response on your OWN! No matter. Whichever, we now have each other's e-mail addresses.

Btw, you said you couldn't seem to find a way to comment on my site. ?!? But that's how we first connected, Steve, do you remember? ... ... You made a comment on my "Presbytery Point" post.